Self-destructive behaviour...

It's finally stopped raining in Groningen, which means I might actually get to play some golf this weekend. What a relief, I was starting to get really bad withdrawal symptoms. Playing golf is my natural relaxant. However, it also meant that I went for a run tonight, and that can be seen as self-destructive behaviour for me at the moment, due to the niggling sours and pains in the body. I shouldn't be running at all and stretching and resting so that I'll be able to run the 21 km next week, but no, I go and run 9 km today. Very smart on my part. I have a bit of a history of self-destructive behaviour. I'd start smoking again if I didn't want to run the marathons, because one pack of cigarettes will put me back 3 months of training. I'd rather feel pain in my body at the moment than anything else. I drink too much, but not excessively, if that makes any sense. I barely know what it feels like to go to sleep sober, and I still sleep like crap. I just tend to do certain things to extremes. I rationalise to extremes because then I can cope with the situation even if its not the right thing to do. I want to push my body to extremes this year, I think I'm actually punishing myself in this way for some reason. I think about things to extremes, and I want to get things right even if the situation doesn't allow for that at that time. Now this characteristic is probably my worst, as when the things inevitably go wrong I tend to put the blame on myself. I cling to what I want to achieve even if I know the right thing is to let go and cut my losses, and be happy with the stuff I did achieve and still have. Let's just say that this kind of behaviour is not always the best. Okay, to call my behaviour self-destructive is another extreme, because I'll never go that far, I'm too stubborn and don't want to give up. In my own way I'm impossible to live with.

I'm going to keep running I guess.